GORDIE’S DEVO-MAX: IT’S LOOKING MORE LIKE TK MAXX!
Somewhere in North Queensferry, says JOHN McGURK, a grey-haired burly figure is looking out towards the Forth Bridge wondering where life has gone wrong.
He's pacing up and down clunking his fist into the palm of his left hand and muttering under his breath.
Suddenly, he picks up a telephone and dials a secret number. He waits impatiently to hear a buzz-buzz and then a click indicating an answer.
(To be read in a rather upper-class voice)
Hello... Mr Osborne's private line.
(To be read in a rather loud, angry voice.)
Is he there?
I beg your pardon...who is this speaking please?
You know damn well who this is! Get yer boss on the line now!
I'm so sorry. I really can't interrupt the Chancellor unless I know who's speaking and why you're calling.
It's Gordon!
Gordon?...Gordon who?
It's Brown you idiot!...Gordon Brown! You weren't as stupid a month ago when you wanted me to save the union!
Ahh... Mr Brown...How very nice to speak with you again. How are you?
Never mind that!...Where's Osborne? Get him on the phone!
I'm so dreadfully sorry Mr Brown but... I'm afraid Mr Osborne is not available.
Not available! Look (expletive deleted)... you tell yer boss that I need to speak with him.
And tell him he's a double crossing (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted)!!
This may not be exactly accurate but, then again, now that Gordon realises that he's been duped, it may not be that far from reality.
What is surely 100% accurate is that little over a month since the Scottish independence referendum, the Labour party in Scotland is in one hell of a mess.
Gordon Brown certainly helped save the union - -and David Cameron's neck to boot - by galvanising treacherous Labour supporters to vote ‘No’ and by fixing up The Vow which, apparently, guaranteed Scotland more devolution.
But what was supposedly Devo-Max is starting to look more like TKMaxx ---that cut-price store where you rummage around in the hope of finding a good deal but generally end up disappointed.
After all he did, the former Prime Minister is most certainly disappointed with Conservative proposals to link any more powers for the Scottish Parliament with English devolution to try and keep UKIP at bay.
He has described it as a “trap” for Scottish MPs who would be denied voting rights on English matters at Westminster thus making it extremely difficult for any future Labour government to maintain office.
“This is what will put the union at risk”, said Gordon, who declared angrily: “In my view a vow, once written, cannot be casually rewritten or revised.”
And implying that Cameron has reneged on the pledge he said: “To be clear, in my discussions prior to the referendum, no party leader ever suggested that any further caveats, conditions or even considerations would be introduced then, or later, into The Vow.”
What is astonishing is that Gordon appears to have felt he could trust Cameron and Osborne in the first place.
If Labour supporters in Scotland were losing faith before the referendum, the events of the past month are hardly going to attract them back into the fold.
SNP membership has surged from 25,652 to more than 82,000 while in some areas like Glasgow, it's apparently risen by 500 per cent; Nat headquarters says it can't keep up with the number of applications.
Compare these numbers to the current membership of the Labour Party in Scotland, now said to be around 13,000.
Even at the height of the Blair government in 1998, the party had only 31,000 members in Scotland.
Naturally, during these difficult days for Labour, there's much to be gained from one of their own giving them a good kicking when they're down.
Enter the former First Minister (now Lord) Jack McConnell who announced over the weekend that Labour in Scotland had lost its way and that he could no longer keep schtum: Jack had to “break his silence”, poor man.
Never mind: Scottish Labour's Margaret Curran is racing to the rescue and will visit ten key Scottish constituencies to listen to and learn from Labour's grass roots.
Ms Curran, who hopes she will become the Scottish Secretary of State following the general election next May, has announced that Scottish Labour is ditching the party of the past and is returning to its socialist principles of equality, re-distribution and social justice.
One wonders if she's mentioned any of this to the London leadership.
It's just a pity that during these 10 years, Mr Miliband and Mr Balls were at the heart of guiding Labour's strategy.
In fact, wasn't Ed Miliband responsible for writing the party's unsuccessful general election manifesto in 2010 while Ed Balls was a key member of the cabinet who formulated much of Labour's failed economic strategy?
It can therefore be safely concluded that there's only one small flaw in this mighty plan to revive Scottish Labour.... it's not going to work.
Back in North Queensferry... if Gordon did actually make that phone call, it's very likely that he's still waiting for George Osborne's reply…
John McGurk was editor of The Scotsman and Scotland on Sunday and was managing editor of The Daily Telegraph.
BUSINESS NEWS IN BRIEF
START-UP LOANS SCHEME TO BE TREBLED
Prime Minister David Cameron has announced plans to treble the Start-Up Loans scheme, which hands out sums of around £5,000 to help young entrepreneurs. At least 75,000 loans will have been made by 2020, according to the PM, creating at least 100,000 jobs. Mr Cameron sought to appeal directly to small businesses, with four months before the election. “These are people we admire and want to help”, he declared yesterday. “Other parties preach about this sort of stuff; but we're the ones who really deliver.” Hmmm. We’ll see.
IS SCOTLAND READY FOR FRACKING?
10th February An expert scientific panel report for the Scottish Government last July said Scotland could develop a shale gas industry at scale, while industrial powerhouse Ineos has argued it could "revolutionise UK manufacturing". This will be theme of a Scotsman Conferences event on February 10. Hear from chairman of the expert panel Dr Chris Masters, Gary Haywood of Ineos, energy analysts and more to debate the prospects of shale gas exploration coming to Scotland. More details at www.scotsmanconferences.com.
SCOTTISH FARMS ‘OUTPACING UK’
Scotland’s agricultural sector is performing better than many parts of the UK, according to new research by insolvency trade body R3.In January the proportion of agricultural businesses with a higher than normal risk of insolvency was 12%, below the UK average of 14%.This places Scotland in line with the North East and East of England, and ahead of Wales (17%), the South East (16%) and West Midlands (15%). Scotland’s agricultural industry remained relatively stable in the second half of 2014, with the proportion of ‘higher risk’ firms rising by just one per cent between July and December.
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FINANCIAL SERVICES PICK-UP
Most financial services firms reported rising business volumes in the three months to December, according to the latest CBI/PwC Financial Services Survey. Business volumes rose at the fastest pace since the mid-1990s. Almost two-thirds of financial services firms reported higher business volumes, with a balance of +57 per cent - the strongest growth since December 1996. Building societies were the exception, with business volumes falling unexpectedly. The focus remains on technology and digital innovation as well as regulatory compliance. Steve Davies, UK head of retail banking, based at PwC’s Edinburgh office, says “Increasing investment in land and buildings is also a sign of banks looking at expanding into cities outside London such as Edinburgh and Manchester due to high cost and capacity issues in the capital.”
FIRST EVER CAT CAFE FOR EDINBURGH
2015 sees the first of its kind cat café in Stockbridge, Edinburgh. Based on a Japanese style café, customers are invited to play, photograph and cuddle the cats while enjoying a hot beverage. Owner Laura O’Neill, 27, came up with the idea of Maison de Moggy on a trip to Japan where one of the most recommended activities on Trip Advisor was to visit a cat café. The focus is very much on the cats and not the usual cake and food we associate with cafes. Why not try something new this year, and swap the cake for a selfie with a cat instead? You can find out more and follow the Maison de Moggy story on Facebook.
COPYRIGHT CONFERENCE DATE FOR THE DIARY
Have copyright laws kept pace with the digital age? How can the creative industries and cultural heritage sector best protect the ownership and management of written and recorded materials when content can be shared globally with the tap of a smartphone? At a Scotsman Conferences event on February 2 speakers from the British Library, UK Intellectual Property Office and leading universities discuss changes and challenges in Copyright and Cultural Heritage 2.0: Protecting creators, sharing content. Speakers from the British Library, UK Intellectual Property Office and leading universities discuss changes and challenges. Further details at www.scotsmanconferences.com.
ONE-STOP PROPERTY DATABASE FOR SCOTLAND?
Should Scotland follow countries like Norway in moving to a one-stop database which allows easy, but secure access to the data and documents needed to support land and property transactions and wider public services? What benefits could this deliver to the business community and consumers, especially in areas like conveyancing? Book early to ensure a place at a Scotsman Conferences debate on March 10 on this issue. Details at www.scotsmanconferences.com.
CROWD FUNDING PLATFORM FOR PROPERTY INVESTORS
An innovative way to invest in the UK residential property market has been launched with the crowdfunding platform, Property Partner. It enables investment in individual residential properties, receive a monthly rental income and benefit from any capital growth in direct proportion to their ownership. The platform also enables investors to offer their property holdings for sale via a designated secondary market. The launch follows a £1.25m seed funding round involving Octopus Investments (backers of Zoopla), Jon Moulton (founder of Alchemy Partners and Better Capital) and Ed Wray (co-founder of Betfair and Director of Funding Circle).More details at https://propertypartner.co.uk
Economy Forecast
24 Jan
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START UP ENTREPRENEURS - THE DOWNSIDES
We well know the merits of starting up a business and being your own boss. You get to play to your strengths, set your own hours – and are freed up from those interminable office meetings about meetings.
But there are sacrifices, too.
Neglecting family, working more than 60 hours a week – and not paying yourself a decent wage are top of the list.
With the start of the New Year the Post Office has noted a spike in the number of people planning to launch out on their own. And a study to see how far Brits will go to work independently has revealed that 43 per cent of entrepreneurs aren't able to pay themselves a regular wage.
Although the lack of income was considered the biggest sacrifice for almost half of entrepreneurs, being unable to pay a personal salary spiked to 54 per cent for those starting up in media and marketing.
Meanwhile, 16 per cent of respondents said little time off for holidays was the biggest challenge. Broken down by region, this spiked to 23 per cent in Scotland and 19 per cent in the south of the UK but fell to eight per cent of business owners in the north.
After that, says reporter Zen Terrelonge, “ it's perhaps of little surprise that long hours are also a sacrifice, thus 12 per cent admit they will work more than 60 hours a week to get the company up to speed and consider that the biggest issue, according to the findings”.
When looked at by sector, financial entrepreneurs claim to work shorter hours as 21 per cent said they put in around 50 hours a week compared to 49 per cent of those in hospitality, who work the longest across all industries.
As a result, ten per cent of SME founders said spending less time with their family was the biggest sacrifice.
Pete Markey, chief marketing officer, Post Office, said: “The first year of trading in any business is often one of the hardest and our study shows that entrepreneurs face having to make serious sacrifices when starting up a business.
“Administrative tasks can be notoriously time consuming so finding ways to streamline this activity for maximum efficiency can make all the difference in freeing up spare time.”
Indeed, the report claims administration is one of the largest tasks, and 12 per cent of entrepreneurs spend more than ten hours a week on the duty, which is equivalent to 21 days a year.
