SAUSAGES! CHEESY PIECES! IT CAN ONLY GET BETTER

Our Editor BILL JAMIESON turns clairvoyant…

The following is a purported draft of Scottish Labour leader Kezia Dugdale’s next big speech to a party rally in Glasgow:

Well, here we all are. A new Scotland. A different Scotland.

And a party filled with opportunity and excitement.

If only we have the courage and confidence to prepare for change.

To step forward to the future.

Just as I stepped forward onto the platform just now.

One foot in front of the other. In a straight line.

One foot. Then another foot.

One step forward – and no steps back!

It’s something we can all do. Stepping. And going forward.  Into the future. Not the past.

Colleagues, I want to talk tonight about our brave step forward at conference to ban Trident from our shores.

That was a big step. A bold step.

And, like some steps, they’re not always comfortable.

Yes, I felt a pain in my leg. Was I going forward?  Or was I going back?

Let me tell you where I am. I’m going backwards – and forwards!

And what does it matter if I’m going backwards or forwards? Our own shadow Defence Secretary Maria Eagle says defence is not a devolved matter and the Scottish vote changes nothing.

The Tory press has had a field day. They’ve cuddled up to the SNP to say that our great party is split.

And our own shadow Defence Secretary Maria Eagle says defence is not a devolved matter and the vote changes nothing. 

Thanks Maria.  Couldn’t have put it better. Only I daren’t.

But the Tories are saying the Scottish party is looking one way, the UK party the other.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

We are the mirror image of each other!

The UK party is for Trident and Jeremy’s opposed.

And the Scottish party’s opposed to Trident and I’m for.

Colleagues – it’s a perfect balanced harmony in Labour!

With your help, let’s show the world how united we are.

I want you all to stand up and turn to the TV cameras. And I want to see you all smiling!

Now all those who support Jeremy should look to the cameras and shout out loud: “Cheesy pieces! Cheesy pieces!”

And all those who support me should say out loud: “Sausages! Sausages!”

All together now – Cheesy pieces! Sausages!

Now we’re an inclusive party. And I want to make sure everyone’s voice is heard.

I know some of you here don’t support the Scottish conference vote.

I’m thinking about all you up there in the gallery – yes, Jackie Baillie, and a few others.

Not everyone is happy about the Trident vote. The Babcock Marine Clyde industrial shop stewards committee is dismayed and angered by Unite Scotland’s vote to scrap Trident.

The shop stewards say the workers have been left to apply for jobs in a mythical Brigadoon.  That’s it’s all a mirage!

Friends, I want all the voices to be heard in Scottish Labour.

So while the folk downstairs are going “Cheesy pieces!” and “Sausages!” I want you all in the gallery to join in.

If you support Unite Scotland, look to the cameras and shout “Pie n chips! Pie n chips!”

And all those who back the Babcock Marine Clyde shop stewards should shout “Two fish suppers! Two fish suppers!”

 C’mon you downstairs! Cheesy Pieces! Sausages!

Now Two fish suppers! Pie n chips!

Brothers and sisters. What a noise! That’s awesome!

This nails the lie of a divided labour Party!

Now we can walk forward. One foot in front of the other.

 If we face the future united, there’s no foot that can’t walk.

Looking to the future. Not the politics of the past.

We failed to do that in Scotland in the election and paid a painful price.

The outcome confirmed a basic point – that if Labour loses, the Tories win.

Now it’s the future that counts. Moulding it, shaping it, realising its potential.

Two steps forward, no steps back. One foot in front of the other. Moving together. All singing from the same sheet!

Look at our opponents. When you take away all the empty rhetoric, the vacuous clichés, the sloganeering speeches, what do they really stand for?

What do they really offer? I say – empty plates!

But Labour brings full plates!  

I’ve never been more excited, more proud, or more optimistic about our party and our people.
What an opportunity we have.

Let’s make the change.

And let’s walk with confidence into the future. Shouting for sausages, fish suppers, pie n beans and cheesy pieces!

One leg in front of the other. All legs good. No legs bad.

What a noise! What a sight! What a party!

 

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