Election fever grips Britain

Latest polls show a dramatic ‘No Change’ as the election campaign enters its final nail-biting week.  TV debates, manifesto launches, press briefings and round-Britain photo opportunities have had no impact whatever on voting intentions. But unrecorded by YouGov, there is at last a clear winner surging towards an overall majority.

Step forward the COMATOSE COALITION, coming from nowhere, sweeping the country to an early bed and a fever pitch of heavy snoring.

Only in Scotland is there a serious challenger, with the SNP surging towards a massive victory over Labour. It is set to sweep the board, with Labour reduced to just one seat – Bass Rock North.

What does it mean for Scotland? Says BBC Scotland’s political guru Brian Taylor, “It’s a right mingin’ guddle with the SNP set to hold the balance of power between the Deep Vein Thrombosis wing of the Comatose Coalition and the ‘No Deal’ Snoring Diehards”.

Down south, Labour and Tories are gridlocked with barely a twitch in poll readings. BBC Business guru Robert Peston estimates that tens of millions of pounds spent on advertising campaigns, event promotions, posters and party literature have boosted second quarter GDP on IFS calculations by 0.4 per cent. But the campaign funds have disappeared down a black hole with no discernible impact whatever on voting intentions.

However, support for the COMATOSE COALITION has surged with every “play it again” TV election debate and cliché fest.

“It’s terrible”, said a leading Lib Dem activist last night. “Our firm but fair sustainable, middle way  passionate but  low energy budget deficit reduction plans have been fully costed but no-one’s stayed awake long enough to hear them. ”

Across England the election is now headed for climactic indecision. And no-one can see any clear winner as the campaign is switching off the lights from Carlisle to Canvey Island.

Says Professor Brian Curtice, “If these poll readings are repeated across the country on May 7, barring regional swings, last minute  interventions, seasonal adjustment calm weather, standard margins of error,  a hairbrush, a comb  and acts of God, we will have a new Prime Minister with an overall majority on May 8. But don’t ask me who”.

The poll convulsion looks set to break all historical records, confounding even that of the two day Lord Derby administration of 1804 and the famous Budleigh Salterton by-election in June 1924 which clashed with Downton Abbey.

Policy wonks are now urging party activists to send alarm clocks to all registered voters.

While David Cameron and Ed Miliband struggle for any utterance that will engage voters, the Comatose Coalition bandwagon now looks unstoppable.

The big issue now is whether Comatose MPs will agree to a pact, understanding, nod and wink or shared bed arrangement with either of the two big parties. What might be their red lines? Will it be Deal or No Deal?

Media and broadcast executives are rushing to stage a last-minute eve of poll live televised debate featuring leading Comatose Coalition figures. The programme will be beamed from an austerity grey studio in the Treasury with Jeremy Paxman interrogating seven empty chairs.

Deploying latest BBC technical gadgetry the audience will be woken up every 5 minutes to record their reactions on an electronic voting pad. Audience members who do not change their vote will receive an electric shock.

What do the latest poll readings mean? Who made the greatest impact? Who’s going to win? Over to the Spin Room where it’s all a-buzz. Tickets for the camp beds are sold out.




Be the first to write a comment.

Letters to the Editor