THIS IS THE MOST UNEXCITING ELECTION CAMPAIGN EVER

JOHN McGURK

Roll on Thursday when Nicola will be re-elected Queen of Scots.

At least then we’ll be freed from these extremely boring TV debates and our letter boxes will be empty of mind-boggling election pamphlets which never quite tell the whole truth.

Honestly…this Scottish election must be the most boring and tedious campaign ever since we all know what the result is going to be apart from who’s going to come second.

Can Ruth’s Tories really grab more seats than Kezia’s Labour and, if so, how long will it be before Kezia gets stabbed in the back?

In fact, we should all feel a bit sorry for Kezia, after all, she’s got an impossible job. Even she admits that she doesn’t believe in some of her party’s policies such as little things like opposing the renewal of Trident.

But she did come out with the best line of the election so far in a bizarre TV interview with Gary Tank Commander. When asked about the Scottish Lib-Dem leader she confessed : “ I don’t like Willie!” Enough said.

Then there’s these election hawkers who plod around the streets ringing doorbells and trying to be nice to everyone while soliciting votes; they’re the equivalent of cold calling salesmen.

Incredibly, just seconds after my writing that last phrase, my phone rang and it was the SNP trying to find out if I’d be voting for them!

Who would I give my second vote to? What did I think about independence?

After three minutes, the caller clearly decided that my politics didn’t fit her tick box exercise so she was probably delighted to make her excuses before politely hanging up.

There was another incident at the weekend when the doorbell was rung by a canvasser on behalf of Sarah Boyack, currently a Labour Lothian List MSP who’s hoping to win Edinburgh Central which she lost to the Nats in 2011.

Would we be voting for Sarah?

“Why should we? The last time we asked for her support she didn’t even reply to our email”.

An hour or so later, the buzzer went again. “Who can that be?…probably Sarah Boyack” we joked.

Then the voice on the intercom: “ It’s Sarah Boyack here!”

Yes it really does take an election for politicians to be shamed into action.

We invited her in and, after a grovelling apology, she genuinely seemed interested in some of the issues which arise from living in Edinburgh city centre.

The buskers, the beggars, the Air B and Bs, the dreaded multiple occupancies, riotous student parties and absent landlord neighbours who don’t pay their share of communal repairs.

With two votes, she might get one of them. Not because of her party politics but because she promises to support residents against the evils of the City of Edinburgh Council and their fecklessness.

And so it was, with a belief that just maybe, just maybe a local politician was at last listening and was promising some support, that we set off in our finest evening wear to a Spring Ball at the Prestonfield Hotel where at the same table was….Gary Tank Commander.

His left-field comedy interviews at Prestonfield with the Scottish party leaders have been the highlight of the election.

Gary managed to get each of them, even the UKIP nutcase, to appear human.

Nicola confessed she was terrified; Ruth admitted she was “chubby”.

The Green’s Patrick Harvie is clearly a giggler while even the Lib Dem’s Wilie Rennie was (slightly) amusing.

Gary Tank Commander turned out to be a writer, actor and comedian called Greig McHugh who is the hero of a BBC Scotland sitcom about a group of British soldiers just back from Iraq.

His carried out his election interviews despite the indignity of a plaster cast around his left leg which he told viewers had been the result of an accident during his brave and courageous service.

But it turns that that even Gary is not scared to tell a few porkies.

Apparently, he broke his leg when he fell down a flight of stairs.

jcmcgurk@blueyonder.co.uk

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