DEAR SCOTBUZZ: HELP! SHOULD I HAVE APPLIED FOR THIS JOB?

Dear ScotBuzz

I desperately need your advice. I’ve applied for this job and, believe me, it’s as big as they come.

It’s going to involve lots of stress because I’ll be expected to be available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

They’re going to want me to come up with all sorts of ideas and solutions which will affect people all around the world. It could even be life or death!

My husband used to do the same job but he was involved in a sex scandal with a young girl. It was awful.

He said he never had sexual relations with her and we all believed him. But he didn’t seem to understand the definition of other stuff that went on between them…well you know.

Then there was another woman who sued him for sexual harassment. Thank God we were able to pay her off and stop the court case.

They wanted to fire him but he managed to get off the hook and retire gracefully.

Unfortunately, the media dragged him through the dirt and the whole family suffered, particularly when we were accused of misappropriating funds. It was terrible. They even said we were crooks.

We thought we’d put this all behind us but I’m not sure I can go though this again especially after I recently got into trouble over sensitive emails which I shouldn’t have had on my personal computer.

You see, I’ve been very worried about my health. I’ve kept it secret but now everybody knows.

Folk have suspected something was wrong because I’ve had this hacking cough. But I nearly collapsed at the weekend and there are pictures all over Twitter.

Now the doctor says I’ve got pneumonia!

To make matters worse, there’s someone else who’s in for the job and I just know that my health is going to be used against me.

He’s always shooting his mouth off in public about how horrible I am and uses every opportunity to put me down.

Thankfully, he’s 70 and pretty fat with dyed blonde hair. You should see him!

He’s got problems too. His ex-wife says he raped her.

But now that everyone knows I’m not in great shape, I’m really worried that , despite everything, I’ll still loose out to him.

What should I do? Should I still go for this job? By the way, I’m 68.

HRC Washington USA

 

Dear HRC

How on earth did you and this other bloke get to apply for this job in the first place?

You say you’re 68 and he’s 70.

Let’s be honest…nowadays, most organisations are only on the look out for young talent, not geriatrics!

How are you going to manage the punishing schedules you’ve described?

The very least you’ll need is a sleep in the afternoon, especially if you’re needed around the clock.

Now you’ve contracted what, in some people, is a fatal illness.

Are you really sure that you want to do this job?

After the scandals you’ve been involved in, you should be very careful about what you do next.

But, clearly, you are very ambitious. In fact, you give the impression that you’ve used your husband’s unfaithfulness for your own ends.

Most couples wouldn’t survive what you’ve described but there’s a hint that it was better for you both to stay together for the sake of your career.

Maybe you knew that your ambitions could be helped along if you were seen to be kind and forgiving.

Maybe you needed your husband to be seen to be supporting you.

People who want big jobs are best advised not to harbour secrets because they’ll almost certainly get found out in the end.

You should take a long hard look at yourself and so should the guy who also wants the job.

You and your competitor have got the kind of backgrounds which would horrify most folk and turn off anybody who’s thinking of offering either of you a job.

In fact, you both sound like pretty horrible people.

Since you’re so worried about your health, you should try the over-60’s test.

Sit upright on a chair and see how many times you can stand up and sit down in 30 seconds without using your hands or elbows to help yourself up.

If it’s less than 14 times for a man and 12 times for a woman…you’re deemed unhealthy.

Perhaps it would be best for both of you to withdraw now… before it’s too late!

Otherwise, it’s all going to end in tears.

 

jcmcgurk@blueyonder.co.uk

 

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  Comments: 1


  1. Don’t book a holiday in the USA, John, for at least 4 years. Maybe even 8 years. One of these two is going to win. So either way you will be a marked journo in the USA. They may even let you in, but you will never get out. They will lock you up in a journo Guantanamo…unless of course both presidential candidates have a sense of humour. Imagine writing such a scurrilous article with our First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon, as the target for your acid wit. You would end up a stain in your trousers at the foot of the Royal Mile.

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