Lashings of opportunity may now be at hand for Scotland’s beleaguered film sector.

The film 50 Shades of Grey may have been flogged with stinging reviews. But it has taken a record-breaking $82 million in its first day in the box office.

Saturation coverage continues in the media. Yesterday’s BBC Radio 4 Women’s Hour featured a lengthy discussion on the film, complete with sound effects produced by a riding crop, a whippy cane and a tawse.  But an earnest presenter revealed in deeply concerned tones that the film “had caused upset in the bondage community”.

“The bondage community”! Now there’s a group you don’t often meet on Lothian Buses or enjoying a gale-blasted cappuccino at Fort Kinnaird.

Perhaps the presenter just got tied up in knots.

Here, surely, is an opportunity for Scottish Enterprise or Business Gateway to revitalise their business advisory services. How about “50 Shades of start-Up Finance” or “52 Shades of Sales and Marketing” to release “your inner goddess”?

Whatever the provenance of the “bondage community” it is surely about time it came out with a march down Sauchiehall Street or a mass protest outside the Scottish parliament. Simulated flogging could be staged of MSPs slow to show their outreach, diversity and inclusivity credentials.

No punishment would be too severe.  But the “SNP community” might object. If this is “le vice anglais”, why don’t we celebrate the Scottish version?

Now a website – “illicitencounters.com” proclaims that Fifty Shades “has revamped our sex lives from routine to risqué.”

Those of us on the Earth side of Planet Mad can only wonder at how long this horse can be flogged before buckling with unalloyed pleasure… or something.

Does 50 Shades really release your “inner goddess”?

Please, please, don’t write and tell us. We’re whimpering already.

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